Agree with you, Val: the either/or tone of this conversation feels antiquated. Yes, we are all influenced by societal standards and swayed by cultural biases, but I feel like it's getting a bit cliché to attribute a woman's desire to age with cosmetic assistance to some oppressive, manipulative force or agency (the state, the patriarchy, whatever). Sometimes it's not about anyone else. It’s personal. Can we not simply wish to feel better about ourselves when we look in the mirror? To realign our reflections with our mindsets/spirits? Say I decide NOT to control the way I (visibly) age with injections or plastic surgery, despite believing that such interventions will improve my confidence and quality of life: Does relinquishing ownership over my appearance, solely out of fear of judgment—of not wanting to be labeled anti-feminist or vain—does that move somehow make me a better, smarter, more substantive woman? Am I not then being oppressed in a different way, by a different agency?
There is no either/or - that's a false binary. There is always both/and. On top of that, there really is a lot to be said about changing the system from within. Sometimes we have to fit inside the paradigm in order to change the paradigm and that is truly what has been happening for the last 100 years. (thank you suffragettes!)
I love the idea of consciously straddling both sides of this issue. When I was 25 I had fake teeth put in because my real ones were soft and turning brown from over-use of fluoride. People were constantly telling me I had stuff between my teeth and I was quite embarrassed by that--and also, I was having the front four re-capped every year. Because the veneers were medically indicated I was absolved of torturing myself about whether I was 'selling out' for beauty culture. But I have to say I LOVE my fake teeth. They are works of art. And they give me a huge amount of confidence. And despite writing about holding firm against certain enhancements, I think about them all the time.
I think the essential thing to ask is: who are we doing this for? I get that the patriarchy and beauty standards are so pervasive it's hard for a fish like me to know she's wet, but still... sometimes I think there are things I do simply to enjoy MYSELF and to that I say a wholehearted YES. Because it's the energy behind these choices that matters, not the choices themselves. I think I can still be in touch with my mortality and embrace the wisdom and beauty of aging while also mitigating some of the evidence of that on my face.
There's a middle ground; you've touched on it. Thanks :)
Thinking out loud here….. At the end of the day, we are left wondering- does judging the action as wholesome or good, versus wrong or bad, matter? Aren’t we all the maker of our own destiny and the only ones who can judge the justness of any particular action because these things are all subjective, anyway? Is it possible that “anti aging” cosmetic enhancements are now overanalyzed precisely because they were once (and still are) stigmatized, …but should be really considered “neutral”? neither inherently good nor bad. Just a choice. People are evolving and changing in appearance all the time. Intentionally and unintentionally. On the inside, and on the outside. Why must we judge these behaviors? (Or maybe discussing the ethics of changing one’s appearance is important so that limits can be drawn, when things get extreme?) Curious to hear what you think, Val.
This is so good. Such a lot to think about. Getting older (75 now) bothers me mostly with aches and pains, not so much looks...except for those damn lip lines from smoking, whistling, and probably all that kissing. But Covid and the masks have temporarily solved the problem!!! I do think there is a huge difference between dying hair, having injections, and spending money on our appearance and walking those three miles, or doing situps for our health. Perhaps the first step toward being OK with ourselves is thinking about being healthy, and with new found healthy bodies we might find ourselves more beautiful. Thanks again. As for me, the greatest thing of beauty I I am looking forward to. is the reunion photo of you, your big boy Princess, and the lovely, little Prince.
I’m 61 today. It doesn’t bother me until a 30 something year old says “yes ma’am”. (I live in the south). I like taking care of my skin, my hair, my health. I use Botox mostly for expression lines that I over use. I go to the gym. I don’t cover my gray any longer but keep the cut updated and a nice glare so it shines. I feel that I am taking good care of myself. I did it when I was thirty, why not now? Am I too old? What’s too old? I don’t want to stop caring. Let’s see what Jessica Defino has to say in 20 years.
Thanks for restacking this excellent piece Val. I agree with your point that we can be intentional and conscious in our choices. We can determine what works to help us feel our best, rather than choosing to do something because we feel it’s not an option to bow out.
My oh my, I struggle with letting nature do its thing (whatever that means) and fighting against it per se. I'd like to think that I do what I do (like exercie) for my health yet I must confess I know that a good sweat is good for my skin and I, yes, feel younger when I do (once I get past the soreness). During the pandemic, I did what was opposite what many were doing, I colored my hair. I had actually let my hair go grey for some time but the pandemic was such a hard and sad time for me that the lift of hair color was helpful. I ordered it on-line and did it myself (I've actually only colored my hair with box color) and, yes, I felt a tad better. And, yes, I wear sunscreen for two reasons - not get skin cancer AND not look like an alligator bag....and/both.
Val, this was, per usual, a pithy jab in the trigeminal zone, and it got me wondering about something. Either, having just passed another birthday, I was already at the point where I was starting to just let worrying about meeting a certain beauty standard fall off my list of shit to do, or finding and faithfully reading your newsletter has reassured me it's okay to drop that from my list of shit to do. Maybe it's a little of both, a kind of "when the student is ready, the master appears" kind of thing.
Because your description of her intrigued me, I did check out, and become a subscriber, to Jess's newsletter. I was inspired by her taking on the establishment and liked her style, but I will say this...I am, and we are, older than she is and maybe that actually is worth something in this fight. I think the comments others have added here reinforce that, even though I am unsure of the ages of each of us here. I am 54.
Jess is utterly, utterly correct. And yet, as I reflect on my own relationship with the Beauty Industry (cue the scary dum, dum, dum music), I realize that somewhere in the not-too-distant past, I crossed a liminal threshold and just don't give a fuck what anyone thinks I look like anymore. I could look "better", but I look like me. I like me. The me I see is the me that's been with me over some rough roads, and she ain't going anywhere without me, so I am pretty certain she is the best traveling companion I could ever have.
That's not to diminish the painful inner landscape I left when I crossed that threshold: I once had eating disorders, I frittered away years obsessed with what I looked like, I literally hated myself in ways that harmed my relationships and curtailed my prospects.
But, the maturity (see your entry from last week) that I gained in the crossing of that bridge is itself a beauty serum, made precious because I cherish it.
Any haranguing from the media or others that we need to worry about things that don't fit our personal values-map is just noise once you realize you're framing your looks in the most pragmatic and ultimate of ways: that we have less years ahead of us than we do behind us.
With that in mind, knowing there is only just so much time to get on with things, the rush of relief that comes from letting "Control Nature!" fall off the list of shit we gotta do is more effective than any needle in the face, even if that rush directly precedes the moment we make the appointment to get the needle in the face.
Agree with you, Val: the either/or tone of this conversation feels antiquated. Yes, we are all influenced by societal standards and swayed by cultural biases, but I feel like it's getting a bit cliché to attribute a woman's desire to age with cosmetic assistance to some oppressive, manipulative force or agency (the state, the patriarchy, whatever). Sometimes it's not about anyone else. It’s personal. Can we not simply wish to feel better about ourselves when we look in the mirror? To realign our reflections with our mindsets/spirits? Say I decide NOT to control the way I (visibly) age with injections or plastic surgery, despite believing that such interventions will improve my confidence and quality of life: Does relinquishing ownership over my appearance, solely out of fear of judgment—of not wanting to be labeled anti-feminist or vain—does that move somehow make me a better, smarter, more substantive woman? Am I not then being oppressed in a different way, by a different agency?
There is no either/or - that's a false binary. There is always both/and. On top of that, there really is a lot to be said about changing the system from within. Sometimes we have to fit inside the paradigm in order to change the paradigm and that is truly what has been happening for the last 100 years. (thank you suffragettes!)
I love the idea of consciously straddling both sides of this issue. When I was 25 I had fake teeth put in because my real ones were soft and turning brown from over-use of fluoride. People were constantly telling me I had stuff between my teeth and I was quite embarrassed by that--and also, I was having the front four re-capped every year. Because the veneers were medically indicated I was absolved of torturing myself about whether I was 'selling out' for beauty culture. But I have to say I LOVE my fake teeth. They are works of art. And they give me a huge amount of confidence. And despite writing about holding firm against certain enhancements, I think about them all the time.
I think the essential thing to ask is: who are we doing this for? I get that the patriarchy and beauty standards are so pervasive it's hard for a fish like me to know she's wet, but still... sometimes I think there are things I do simply to enjoy MYSELF and to that I say a wholehearted YES. Because it's the energy behind these choices that matters, not the choices themselves. I think I can still be in touch with my mortality and embrace the wisdom and beauty of aging while also mitigating some of the evidence of that on my face.
There's a middle ground; you've touched on it. Thanks :)
Thinking out loud here….. At the end of the day, we are left wondering- does judging the action as wholesome or good, versus wrong or bad, matter? Aren’t we all the maker of our own destiny and the only ones who can judge the justness of any particular action because these things are all subjective, anyway? Is it possible that “anti aging” cosmetic enhancements are now overanalyzed precisely because they were once (and still are) stigmatized, …but should be really considered “neutral”? neither inherently good nor bad. Just a choice. People are evolving and changing in appearance all the time. Intentionally and unintentionally. On the inside, and on the outside. Why must we judge these behaviors? (Or maybe discussing the ethics of changing one’s appearance is important so that limits can be drawn, when things get extreme?) Curious to hear what you think, Val.
This is so good. Such a lot to think about. Getting older (75 now) bothers me mostly with aches and pains, not so much looks...except for those damn lip lines from smoking, whistling, and probably all that kissing. But Covid and the masks have temporarily solved the problem!!! I do think there is a huge difference between dying hair, having injections, and spending money on our appearance and walking those three miles, or doing situps for our health. Perhaps the first step toward being OK with ourselves is thinking about being healthy, and with new found healthy bodies we might find ourselves more beautiful. Thanks again. As for me, the greatest thing of beauty I I am looking forward to. is the reunion photo of you, your big boy Princess, and the lovely, little Prince.
I’m 61 today. It doesn’t bother me until a 30 something year old says “yes ma’am”. (I live in the south). I like taking care of my skin, my hair, my health. I use Botox mostly for expression lines that I over use. I go to the gym. I don’t cover my gray any longer but keep the cut updated and a nice glare so it shines. I feel that I am taking good care of myself. I did it when I was thirty, why not now? Am I too old? What’s too old? I don’t want to stop caring. Let’s see what Jessica Defino has to say in 20 years.
Just do it - for the right reasons. Just for me.
Thanks for restacking this excellent piece Val. I agree with your point that we can be intentional and conscious in our choices. We can determine what works to help us feel our best, rather than choosing to do something because we feel it’s not an option to bow out.
My oh my, I struggle with letting nature do its thing (whatever that means) and fighting against it per se. I'd like to think that I do what I do (like exercie) for my health yet I must confess I know that a good sweat is good for my skin and I, yes, feel younger when I do (once I get past the soreness). During the pandemic, I did what was opposite what many were doing, I colored my hair. I had actually let my hair go grey for some time but the pandemic was such a hard and sad time for me that the lift of hair color was helpful. I ordered it on-line and did it myself (I've actually only colored my hair with box color) and, yes, I felt a tad better. And, yes, I wear sunscreen for two reasons - not get skin cancer AND not look like an alligator bag....and/both.
"So I guess I'll stick a needle between my eyes every four months until I die.”
Val!
Thank Gawd you are writing HOW NOT TO FUCK UP YOUR FACE......and keeping us all (relatively) sane.
Hey, All the Ladies -- I loved all your comments.
Val, this was, per usual, a pithy jab in the trigeminal zone, and it got me wondering about something. Either, having just passed another birthday, I was already at the point where I was starting to just let worrying about meeting a certain beauty standard fall off my list of shit to do, or finding and faithfully reading your newsletter has reassured me it's okay to drop that from my list of shit to do. Maybe it's a little of both, a kind of "when the student is ready, the master appears" kind of thing.
Because your description of her intrigued me, I did check out, and become a subscriber, to Jess's newsletter. I was inspired by her taking on the establishment and liked her style, but I will say this...I am, and we are, older than she is and maybe that actually is worth something in this fight. I think the comments others have added here reinforce that, even though I am unsure of the ages of each of us here. I am 54.
Jess is utterly, utterly correct. And yet, as I reflect on my own relationship with the Beauty Industry (cue the scary dum, dum, dum music), I realize that somewhere in the not-too-distant past, I crossed a liminal threshold and just don't give a fuck what anyone thinks I look like anymore. I could look "better", but I look like me. I like me. The me I see is the me that's been with me over some rough roads, and she ain't going anywhere without me, so I am pretty certain she is the best traveling companion I could ever have.
That's not to diminish the painful inner landscape I left when I crossed that threshold: I once had eating disorders, I frittered away years obsessed with what I looked like, I literally hated myself in ways that harmed my relationships and curtailed my prospects.
But, the maturity (see your entry from last week) that I gained in the crossing of that bridge is itself a beauty serum, made precious because I cherish it.
Any haranguing from the media or others that we need to worry about things that don't fit our personal values-map is just noise once you realize you're framing your looks in the most pragmatic and ultimate of ways: that we have less years ahead of us than we do behind us.
With that in mind, knowing there is only just so much time to get on with things, the rush of relief that comes from letting "Control Nature!" fall off the list of shit we gotta do is more effective than any needle in the face, even if that rush directly precedes the moment we make the appointment to get the needle in the face.