Forgive me for once again not starting off with beauty advice. We’ll get to it.
I’m thinking today about Ukraine President Zelensky’s moving and historic appeal to the US Congress (you might want to save this). Which got me thinking about (among other things) unity and an essay I wrote for O, The Oprah Magazine years ago that unfortunately still seems relevant.
My 17-year-old son was in a high school only four blocks from the Twin Towers when they fell. The second tower collapsed as the children were being released, shaking the ground with a thunderous rumble and sending an 11-foot-high tsunami of toxic rubble roaring toward the school. My son remembers a police officer touching him lightly on the shoulder as he began to run. “Go quickly but carefully,” the officer said.
That evening, my son and his classmates safely home, I tuned into a national TV newscast. Toward the end of the show, there was a clip of hundreds of children running chaotically from their school; some of the girls were crying in the melee. The scene felt distant and impersonal. I was still experiencing what I was seeing on television as somehow happening to “them,” the unlucky ones who were most directly affected or hurt. Until I saw a police officer put his hand on a child’s shoulder and say something I couldn’t hear; and then saw that child as he turned toward the camera, his young face frozen in uncomprehending fear—my son, running with the others for his life.
Since that night, I’ve never looked at a newspaper photograph of a boy in Gaza, say, or Niger, or New Orleans and not thought: He is someone’s child. There is probably a woman who cares about him with the same staggering passion I have for my son. Try this: Look at a photo of a baby wailing in hunger and imagine that it is your baby. Can you feel the queasy threat of panic rise up into your throat? You will not so easily turn the page. It took a crisis for me to recognize how quickly, how consistently and deliberately, I threw up the screen that shielded me from “them”—the Suffering, the Poor, the Unlucky, the Unchic, the Unheard of, the Unfit, the Unfunny. And while I’m admitting it, the Misguided, the Manipulated, and the Stupidly and Completely Wrong. All day long, I realized, I was sorting and codifying everyone I saw: us, them, us, them, us, them. If you think about it, you might notice that you do the same.
In your defense (and mine): A study from Harvard and New York universities suggests that the impulse to identify with one group or another may be innate. We’re descended from animals that lived in groups, and survival depended upon being accepted into a group that was strong and vital, says David Berreby, author of Us and Them. It can be deeply scary when we feel we don’t fit in anywhere; we join the sorority or the country club so we know where we stand. The sorting is partly a way for us to figure out who we belong with and to feel, on some level, safe.
Here’s the thing about it, though: The reflexive, protective behavior that ensured our safety thousands of years ago can give us a false sense of security. Because the result is a world teeming with “them.” And we often begin to feel increasingly threatened—frightened of “them,” angry at “them,” or simply, as a way of coping with our fear, dismissive of “them,” wishing they would just go away.
I might have wished the same till the night of that TV newscast, when I found the “them” in myself and understood in the most visceral way that—no matter what the conflict—it is always about us.
“Ask Val” answers your urgent questions, Vol. 25
Yes, you in the first row with the cute side part?
Q: My doctor says I’ve got normal post-menopausal hair loss but I’m not taking it lying down. I’ve found a useful cosmetic solution. Would you like to know what it is?
A: Well, this is interesting. Do tell!
Q: On the face of it, dabbing a bit of this powder along one's part shouldn't make a difference, but it somehow gives the illusion of a fuller head of hair. It obviously wouldn't work for extreme hair loss, but it's very helpful for the general thinning so many of us experience post-menopause. What do you think?
A: You’re quite right, thank you! And if you happen to be a dye-hard still coloring your hair, similar products are also great for touching up grays. I especially like this one from stylist Rita Hazan. And a couple of friends gave great reviews of this wash-in gel from the venerable French stylist Christophe Robin. (I always have to stop myself from asking him, “Say, Christophe, how’s Pooh?”)
Coming next week: A follow-up to “Grammie Was High” with your many excellent suggestions about how you’ve found snooze relief.
Val Asks You
Don’t be shy! What’s your most vexing or intractable appearance issue? Send your beauty-related questions to valeriemonroe@substack.com. If I don’t have a good answer, I’ll find someone who does.
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"I found the “them” in myself and understood in the most visceral way that—no matter what the conflict—it is always about us."
Yes. Thank you for this Val. This is one reason I write children's books about empathy and compassion - why I work so hard to help kids understand that no one is better or more deserving and to appreciate differences.
I would add that most people not directly involved are struggling to stay alive in their own ways. Maybe not bombs or rifle fire but increased rent, not enough food, taxes they can't pay, jobs disappearing....this is how many if not most live. Also it's really hard to know what to do when you feel so powerless in your own life.
In many ways what is going on is a game between mentally ill and emotionally bankrupt power mongers/bullies. What I don't get is how our race as a whole gives them so much power. Putin should not be able to order the war in Ukraine. I'd like to know what I can personally do and how we can collectively put a stop to people like this getting into power.
Don't feel you have to have an answer, but this is where I end up every day as I work to make enough money to pay my rent, replace my car, get healthcare, etc. IMHO our system is set up to keep the average person in survival mode and force us to fund these narcissistic A-holes delusional war games. End of rant.
Compassion is at the center of all wisdom traditions. All we, no they. Thank you for illuminating it in our moment. On hair - Hairprint is also worth exploring for density and natural color.