So far I'm pretty ok with my aging face (I'm almost 61). I do get an occasional surprise glimpse of a stern stranger in a reflection and then I smile at her and she smiles back :)
Val, this is my favorite essay yet. How do I properly express my gratitude for you literally RE-WRITING how we define who and what gives us power.
These lines: "Your pleasure will come from your own belief that you’re more attractive. And since confidence begets confidence, you may enjoy a cascade of positive effects thanks to your new conviction..." // "happiness can increase our attractiveness, making it more likely we’ll be rewarded by others."
It's not such a stretch, reading this, to believe that people (we! us!) could simply decide--no, happiness IS beauty. And then we pursue that. All the power--as in, joy, delight, freedom and safety, not wealth, self-importance, etc--comes right back to us.
It's a revolution over here.
Even at the ripe age of 38, I've been ambushed by my worsening RBF in car windows. As you said, gravity makes those frown lines look a little meaner. But guess what?! TIPS AND TRICKS ALERT!! Those lines disappear when I smile :)
Val, you are the wisest. I love the investment strategy; diversifying your self-worth portfolio. My approach to aging in my 50s has been to move the goal post. I aim for a different definition of attractiveness these days, and if I find myself consistently falling short, I (mostly unconsciously) shift my definition to something closer to where I'm at when I wake up in the morning. That and Zoom filters seem to be enough for right now.
Great post. I want to talk about the feeling more attractive part. I went to a hypnotherapist to stop eating candy so I could lose weight and not feel terrible about my body. I stopped eating candy. I stopped feeling terrible about my body. But I DID NOT LOSE WEIGHT. My body didn’t change, my mind did.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my mum lately. She died 12 years ago and although I can unsettlingly see her in the mirror it’s her voice I hear. You see I have thick wavy hair that I have spent the last 60 or so years rendering straight and smooth…. as you do. Well, next Tuesday I have my 70th birthday and in a fit of frenzy I had the hair equivalent of a nip and tuck … I had my hair cut …… to make the most of those hated waves and curls. It’s liberating!!! A truly wash and go style which has given me confidence to turn 70 happily. My mum always, always commented wistfully ‘ you have such lovely waves ….’ Well mum it’s taken god knows how long but you were right.
I definitely subscribe to the smile brigade. A smile can make you feel better and I think you are gifting something to the recipient, another reason to smile! 💐
My mom and I have the same face-- identical twins if you look at photos of us at the same age. I once looked up in the mirror as a teenager after washing my face and saw her reflection looking back at me in the mirror and nearly had a heart attack-- now that her face is morphing into that of my grandmother's and mine is morphing into the face she had when I was a child, I don't mind so much
My mom has been gone for two years, longer if you count the time Alzheimer’s stole from us. I talk to her often and I have been seeing her in the mirror more and more frequently (I just turned 59). But damn, I wish she could talk back.
Relieved to know you're not thinking of a facelift for yourself. I've seen too many that were disasters. You have always been beautiful and you'll be beautiful when you hit 81. It's in your soul as much as in your face. And wear turtlenecks if you're worried about your neck. As for me, I always aspired to look like Abraham Lincoln. But that's just me, a little strange. Our friend Audrey Flack, the painter, is 91, and she's still, can you believe it, cute. And still painting. And you're still writing, and enjoying it.
Hi Val. I wish I saw my mother when I look in the mirror, I actually see my father.. not as pretty (;.. anyway I have used Botox and filler and the results are at best subtle prob because my injector is very conservative. I have thought about a face lift, esp the lower face kind, but will prob never actually do it. I have never regretted not bowing to the pressure to get a nose job as a teen (thanks dad for the nose and mom for the suggestion).
Anyway I communicate w my mom often as well having lost her six years ago. She is in my dreams regularly. I hope not to haunt my own daughter when I go....
Thank you Val. You excel at giving women a good name -- I appreciate you for that. Thank you for sharing your connection with your mom. My mom is also gone four years now and my constant connection with her has evolved from grief back to warmth and companionship. It's strongest when my sisters and I are together -- we see and hear mom in each other. And she always sparks a combination of wisdom and smiles and laughter.
So far I'm pretty ok with my aging face (I'm almost 61). I do get an occasional surprise glimpse of a stern stranger in a reflection and then I smile at her and she smiles back :)
I AM smiling as I read this, Val, engaging the upper part of my face . . . . and the lower part, also my ears, navel, and feet.
A wonderful essay today! Thank you!
I want to look as happy and beautiful as you when I grow up. That is a GREAT picture! xx
I don't see my mother, I see a scary old man 😂
Val, this is my favorite essay yet. How do I properly express my gratitude for you literally RE-WRITING how we define who and what gives us power.
These lines: "Your pleasure will come from your own belief that you’re more attractive. And since confidence begets confidence, you may enjoy a cascade of positive effects thanks to your new conviction..." // "happiness can increase our attractiveness, making it more likely we’ll be rewarded by others."
It's not such a stretch, reading this, to believe that people (we! us!) could simply decide--no, happiness IS beauty. And then we pursue that. All the power--as in, joy, delight, freedom and safety, not wealth, self-importance, etc--comes right back to us.
It's a revolution over here.
Even at the ripe age of 38, I've been ambushed by my worsening RBF in car windows. As you said, gravity makes those frown lines look a little meaner. But guess what?! TIPS AND TRICKS ALERT!! Those lines disappear when I smile :)
Val, you are the wisest. I love the investment strategy; diversifying your self-worth portfolio. My approach to aging in my 50s has been to move the goal post. I aim for a different definition of attractiveness these days, and if I find myself consistently falling short, I (mostly unconsciously) shift my definition to something closer to where I'm at when I wake up in the morning. That and Zoom filters seem to be enough for right now.
As Joni Mitchell sang, “Happiness is the best facelift”.
And yes, I look in the mirror and say, Hi Mom!
I think you look spectacular, and not 72 (whatever that looks like now), fwiw.
Great post. I want to talk about the feeling more attractive part. I went to a hypnotherapist to stop eating candy so I could lose weight and not feel terrible about my body. I stopped eating candy. I stopped feeling terrible about my body. But I DID NOT LOSE WEIGHT. My body didn’t change, my mind did.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my mum lately. She died 12 years ago and although I can unsettlingly see her in the mirror it’s her voice I hear. You see I have thick wavy hair that I have spent the last 60 or so years rendering straight and smooth…. as you do. Well, next Tuesday I have my 70th birthday and in a fit of frenzy I had the hair equivalent of a nip and tuck … I had my hair cut …… to make the most of those hated waves and curls. It’s liberating!!! A truly wash and go style which has given me confidence to turn 70 happily. My mum always, always commented wistfully ‘ you have such lovely waves ….’ Well mum it’s taken god knows how long but you were right.
I definitely subscribe to the smile brigade. A smile can make you feel better and I think you are gifting something to the recipient, another reason to smile! 💐
My mom and I have the same face-- identical twins if you look at photos of us at the same age. I once looked up in the mirror as a teenager after washing my face and saw her reflection looking back at me in the mirror and nearly had a heart attack-- now that her face is morphing into that of my grandmother's and mine is morphing into the face she had when I was a child, I don't mind so much
My mom has been gone for two years, longer if you count the time Alzheimer’s stole from us. I talk to her often and I have been seeing her in the mirror more and more frequently (I just turned 59). But damn, I wish she could talk back.
Relieved to know you're not thinking of a facelift for yourself. I've seen too many that were disasters. You have always been beautiful and you'll be beautiful when you hit 81. It's in your soul as much as in your face. And wear turtlenecks if you're worried about your neck. As for me, I always aspired to look like Abraham Lincoln. But that's just me, a little strange. Our friend Audrey Flack, the painter, is 91, and she's still, can you believe it, cute. And still painting. And you're still writing, and enjoying it.
Hi Val. I wish I saw my mother when I look in the mirror, I actually see my father.. not as pretty (;.. anyway I have used Botox and filler and the results are at best subtle prob because my injector is very conservative. I have thought about a face lift, esp the lower face kind, but will prob never actually do it. I have never regretted not bowing to the pressure to get a nose job as a teen (thanks dad for the nose and mom for the suggestion).
Anyway I communicate w my mom often as well having lost her six years ago. She is in my dreams regularly. I hope not to haunt my own daughter when I go....
Keep writing, I love it and plan to become a paying subscriber. I have started a substack as well. Maybe you can take a look? https://substack.com/profile/7364756-jackie-fishman?utm_source=%2Finbox&utm_medium=reader2-nav
Thanks for writing.
Jackie F
Thank you Val. You excel at giving women a good name -- I appreciate you for that. Thank you for sharing your connection with your mom. My mom is also gone four years now and my constant connection with her has evolved from grief back to warmth and companionship. It's strongest when my sisters and I are together -- we see and hear mom in each other. And she always sparks a combination of wisdom and smiles and laughter.
It’s the jowls that get me, but then I dare to look again and I catch a glimpse of my beloved late grandmother. I smile.