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I’ve been thinking about the dichotomy of good and bad, especially as it relates to our happiness in a world rife with suffering; but recently my four-year-old granddaughter, M, got me thinking about dichotomy in other ways.
M often interrupts our FaceTime conversations (I’m in the States and she lives in Japan with my son and daughter-in-law) with bulletins about her two, marble-sized plastic babies—I think they’re penguins—who unpredictably need urgent care of one kind or another. For example, they’ll both start crying for no apparent reason and M must stop talking to attend to them.
One is the good baby, easily comforted; the other, very problematic, is the bad baby.
“What makes the good baby good?” I ask her.
After a thoughtful moment, M says, “She gives you a massage.” Then, “And if she hurts you, it’s accidentiwy.”
“I see. And the bad baby?”
“She pokes you on the body,” says M, “and it is not accidentiwy.”
This, it turns out, is the least of bad baby’s issues. She’s also prone to spontaneous combustion.
“Oh no! Bad baby is on fire!” cries M.
“Throw some water on her,” I say, increasingly impatient with bad baby’s attention-getting tactics.
“Still on fire!” cries M.
Despite my suggestions that bad baby might be suffering from such fixable afflictions as arrested development, low self-esteem, or even poor hygiene, she seems unredeemable.
I assume M’s baby dichotomy has to do with her working out conflicting impulses. I get it; I have them all the time. Many of my own concern how I feel about my 71-year-old face. On the one hand, I like my face; on the other, I don’t altogether like what’s happening to it, mostly the lines around my mouth and the sagging along my jaw.
I’ll stop at this point to tell you what you can do about both, in case you’re in a similar predicament. You can ignore them, of course, which is what I’ve contentedly done for several years. Or you can investigate options. For perioral rhytides (the vertical lines around your lips), you could have them greatly reduced, if not eliminated, with an ablative laser treatment (some downtime required). For a mildly sagging jawline, injections of discreetly placed filler can help temporarily—and certain devices, like Sofwave and radiofrequency microneedling, might make a somewhat detectable difference (I’m currently scheduled for both and will report back). But if your jowls and turkey neck are in full-swing, the only way to eliminate them is with a lower facelift—not on my agenda now or probably ever.
In conclusion (I made myself write that so I’d come up with a reasonable suggestion where I’m not sure there is one), I’m finding that when it comes to the good baby/bad baby feelings about my face, the kinder I am to bad baby, the happier I am. Meaning, I won’t throw her out with the bathwater even if it feels like she’s going to spontaneously combust. Instead, I’ll try those treatments requiring the least amount of downtime for the most effective results. As dermatologist Orit Markowitz told me, “[because of improvements in treatment technology] downtime doesn’t necessarily guarantee better results anymore. The focus is on less invasive treatments that help regenerate the body’s natural anatomy.” In other words, treatments that stimulate the growth of, among other things, the collagen and elastin that support healthy skin. Which reminds me that when I was a beauty editor and people asked me if I’d ever have plastic surgery, I’d often say I was waiting for pop-off heads. Maybe that wasn’t so ridiculous after all.
When your good baby/bad baby conflict deposits you on the side of no treatment intrusions of any kind—also, when it doesn’t—it might be comforting to heed the wise words of writer Katy Kelleher in her Longreads essay about the ugly side of mirrors:
…Mirrors reinforce the idea that a person’s value lies on the outside of their body, that it’s possible to learn our value by examining (and altering) our appearance. Mirrors remind us of the significance of our looks, and even though it may feel good to collect likes and compliments on a selfie, it still reinforces a system in which some physical features are more valuable than others...
And:
…We know the mirror is a trick and a trap, but we also know it’s a tool to succeed in a system that is broken, a world that assigns value arbitrarily and penalizes those who can’t adequately perform or conform...
If bad baby materializes most often when she’s unaccidentiwy trapped you in the mirror, I urge you to subvert the trickery by using that mirror in a very different way.
Have you found a happy resolution to the good baby/bad baby issue? Please do share it in the comments. Your conflicted compatriots will be grateful.
Gloss Wear
Now that I’m occasionally wearing lip color again, I’ve found myself re-enamored with these—I’m calling them iconic rather than old—lip glosses. I love the Richer Raisin shade; it doesn’t bleed into lip lines and it offers a juicy stain without an overabundance of shine. It’s like that perfectly fitted, soft T-shirt (fancy or unfancy) you buy a handful of because you find yourself living in it.
Val Asks You
Don’t be shy! What’s your most vexing or intractable appearance issue? Send your beauty-related questions to valeriemonroe@substack.com. If I don’t have a good answer, I’ll find someone who does.
HNTFUYF, a Payola-Free Zone
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loved this. hate the lip lines. never taking off my mask!
A little over 10 years ago I saw a colleague's wife (who also worked where I worked) and thought to myself, "Hmmm...she looks a little different..." and I found out from her that she had a modest facelift. I was surprised how refreshed she looked but perhaps it was more due to her looking happier and more confident as a result of the procedure. Personally, like you, I'm not inclined to get any surgical procedures having had three surgeries for other physical issues and dealing with recovery. Yet, I must confess that when such procedures are done well, it looks rather nice.