What "Ageless" Actually Looks Like

plus, scalp coming through!

Welcome readers, old and new!

In case you need it, here’s a reminder that consuming olive oil in salad dressing rather than drinking it is a much more palatable way to be kind to your skin. And please tap the ❤️ above to remind all HNTFUYF-ers what I’ve said approximately 100 times: It’s okay to put down the eye cream.

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I could hear the excitement as soon as I opened the door. Scrambling and urgent calls of Grammie, Grammie! Entering my son and daughter-in-law’s apartment at the end of the day, I’m often still greeted like a returning hero. But on this particular evening, my granddaughter, M, rushed at me head down, open-mouthed, a little billygoat coming in for a bite.

“Your tooth!” I said, as she raised her face to me. “You’ve lost a tooth!” Which precipitated a little jig on M’s part with an extra twirl to examine the situation herself (for the millionth time) in the hallway mirror.

Loyal readers will know that on the second day of this Japan trip, I managed to fracture my ankle; I’m so grateful it was uncomplicated, isn’t painful, and that I’m able to get around fine (though I am a bit limpy) with a walking cast. The fracture has concentrated my appreciation for being here, because it’s reminded me of what I might have taken for granted: a long stay, my independence in a foreign environment, and the glorious opportunity to witness milestones from M’s childhood.

So I’ve been thinking about witnessing and presence and—because I suspect you come here to read something about beauty—what effect presence might have on how we feel about ourselves as we age, and how it might influence the way others see us. Unfortunately, this line of thinking led me to the philosopher Martin Heidegger, whose writing about presence makes sense only if you pry open your mind and let it slowly drizzle into your consciousness without trying to understand it. Also unfortunately, I discovered Heidegger’s connection to the Nazis, which seems so complicated it makes his writing look like Existentialism for Dummies. Fortunately (for you), I found this essay explaining a lot of what I’d hoped to convey about presence. (Maybe make a coffee before settling in to read it.)

Why is presence increasingly important when we feel more vulnerable about our appearance, as many of us do as we age? I think when we’re engaged and appreciating the world, the boundaries between us disappear. I once tried explaining it like this:

There are several things that recommend the role of appreciator. It's easy to be very busy—at least as busy as one can be striving to be among the appreciated. I've discovered what the smartest men have always known: that women can be lovely in many ways—as many ways, it seems, as there are women. It's easy to be very happy, noticing things to admire rather than looking only for ways to be admired. You know that feeling you get when you see a lush summer garden, abundantly green and fragrant and riotous with blossoms? Does it bother you that you're not as beautiful as it is? No, of course not; it's a garden. Its beauty has nothing to do with you, takes nothing away from yours. In fact, standing in the middle of a flourishing garden, filling your eyes with the deep and impossibly delicate colors, inhaling the odors, sweet and complex, you might feel more beautiful, more precious yourself, marveling at your own ability to perceive it all.

And what happens when you feel more beautiful and precious yourself? That’s what you project—a more integrated and, consequently, present person. You can be this person with or without a facelift. What matters is that you’re here for it. This is what “ageless” actually looks like.

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A couple of delightful things I was present enough to notice this week.

• A headline from Vogue Daily that captures the inherent silliness of the fashion trend machine (and possibly the death of clothes): “Forget the Pantless Trend—Emily Ratajkowski Has Moved on to the Shirtless Look”

• Because my style goal as a donna matura is to resemble a wealthy Milano matron, I’m obsessed with these Instagram reels. The makeovers! The trickery of a great haircut!

Speaking of trickery, I’ve been asked by various outlets to comment on the surge of products related to menopause. I’m glad to see the subject come into the mainstream, but I’m less glad that it’s just another way for marketers to suck everything out of our wallets. And what a gold mine it is. Read more about that here.

Finally, my favorite hair colorist offers a few tricks to a reader whose white hair seems to be emphasizing her pinkish scalp. Oy.

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