My new favorite ritual: A moment at the top of these posts to thank you (now thousands of readers) for taking the time to read HNTFUYF. If you’re happy to be here, would you please tap the little ❤ above to let me know?
As if you needed it, there’s more evidence that focusing too much on your appearance is bad for your mental health; that’s according to a couple of psychologists who study society’s scrutiny of women’s appearance and its consequences. In a story for The Conversation, the psychologists point out, as I have, that from the time we first begin looking into a mirror, we’re taught to see ourselves as objects in need of evaluation and judgment. (This is called self-objectification and it’s one hell of a sucky idea.) Studies have shown that looking into a mirror, taking a selfie, and thinking that you’re being evaluated by others all lead to increased self-objectification. The researchers astutely point out that when you’re on Zoom, you’re exposed to all of three of these potentially nefarious experiences. No wonder you feel wasted after an online meeting; you’ve been trapped in the Temple of Zoom.
If God is in the details, this is the holy mackerel: One study showed that when women tried on a new bathing suit and looked at themselves in the mirror, they subsequently performed poorly on math problems. Math problems! Quick: What’s the ratio of the circumference of your butt to the circumference of your head? (Naturally, the bathing costume experiment didn’t work the same on men.) Research also showed that—no surprise to any of us—trying on a swimsuit provoked feelings of shame in female participants, leading them to restrained eating.
Weirdly, the psychologists also found that women who regularly engage in self-objectifying behavior have difficulty accurately recognizing their own body temperature. The title of their paper: “When Looking ‘Hot’ Means Not Feeling Cold...” 😰 🥶 😢
Here are two more (disturbing) findings the psychologists report:
“One study found that the more time women who are focused on their looks spent on video calls, the less satisfied they were with their appearance. Facial dissatisfaction also seems to play a role in Zoom fatigue, with women across all races reporting higher levels of Zoom fatigue than their male counterparts.”
Enough with the bad news. Almost. Because turning off your self-view on a Zoom call won’t necessarily work to your advantage either, as awareness of your appearance has benefits: Being perceived as attractive can improve your social and economic status. And if you opt out of the visuals entirely, that little square with your name on it looks like an empty seat; not a great power play.
What to do about this? F*ck if I know. Except: Get to the bottom of the issue right away: Learn how to de-objectify yourself, because you will then be able to see your face as compassionately as you see those you love. And remember: No one looks at or evaluates your face with the same kind of scrutiny you do.
For extra help, here’s a link—not for glamourpusses but for the rest of us—to a simple tutorial about how not to look completely ghoulish on Zoom. Setting the bar low, it’s very basic (one piece of advice: If you know you’re going to stand up during a meeting, get dressed completely 😲), but that’s partly why I like it. I’ve tried the suggestions about lighting and camera angles and they do help.
And now for some good news. Oh, wait. Still no. The inimitable Jessica DeFino, creator of The Unpublishable, recently linked to an NBC investigation into young influencers being offered free or inexpensive aesthetic procedures in return for promotion. If you think you can imagine all the deleterious effects of such negotiations, think again. And read the report.
What with the Supreme Court situation and the continuing troubles elsewhere, there seems to be a dearth of good news at the moment. So I’m offering a little merch relief:
For a couple of years, I’ve worn nothing (on my feet!) during sandal-season but these Birkenstocks made from stuff called EVA, an outrageously comfortable material somewhere between foam and rubber. I’ve walked miles in them across city asphalt, gravel, and sandy beaches. They’re light and waterproof, so a surprise summer shower is no problem. Though I own pairs only in gray and dark silver, I’m always tempted to buy an actual color, like cheerful canary yellow or merry cherry red. You know, the kind of primary colors that might buck you up for a protest march.
Book Club News, ICYMI
Though I’ve been a latecomer to audiobooks, once I discovered them I couldn’t get enough. I borrow them from the public library, but as I’ve mentioned before, sometimes the library steals them back before I can finish. So I'm happy to share I'm partnering with Chirp to launch an audiobook club of biographies and memoirs called “Unfiltered Women.” Two things: It’s free to subscribe and Chirp offers great deals. Plus, you obviously get to keep the book to listen to at your leisure.
Full transparency: At this point, I’m choosing not to receive payback for sign-ups, but I do hope to get the benefit of introducing HNTFUYF to Chirp subscribers.
Here’s how it works. Every other month I’ll announce a new book club pick that we’ll listen to together. You’ll have a chance to share your thoughts on the book a few weeks later and hear what other readers thought, too. My first pick is the memoir Blood, Bones & Butter: The Inadvertent Education of a Reluctant Chef by Gabrielle Hamilton. I often encourage you to quit objectifying yourself and to instead turn your attention outward, where there’s so much to be appreciated. Hamilton is not only a master of extreme attentiveness, but also a gifted chronicler of what she sees—and she sees...everything. It’s enormous fun to follow her path from spunky kid and lover-of-backyard-barbeques to the founder of what was one of the most beloved restaurants in the world. Delicious reading.
To get started, go to chirpbooks.com/val and press FOLLOW to join my club. (Again, it’s free and there is NO commitment.) There, for a limited time, you can buy Blood, Bones & Butter for only $5.99, including a 50% discount with code VAL50.
Val Asks You
Don’t be shy! What’s your most vexing or intractable appearance issue? Send your beauty-related questions to valeriemonroe@substack.com. If I don’t have a good answer, I’ll find someone who does.
HNTFUYF, a Payola-Free Zone
Readers, a few of you have wondered aloud to me if I get a cut from sales when I mention a product. I do not. I only mention products I’d like to buy myself, and therefore think you might like, too. I share this so you know my recommendations are offered without obligation. The only financial contributions I receive from these posts are from those of you—thank you!—who have generously subscribed. All posts and the archive are free; there’s no paywall.
My husband says I’ve never met a mirror I didn’t like.
Objects in need of evaluation and judgment, you say? Yikes, with me it was a double whammy — as a former professional ballet dancer, mirrors were my alter ego; devil or angel (guess who usually won?) and to this day, the bane of my existence.
And please stop being so F*ing clever: trapped in the Temple of Zoom…🤣
So enjoy your writings, Val!
First time reading your content Val and it’s on point. Social media can be a dangerous place. Right now I’m obsessed with nail care, thanks to Instagram. Zoom tips are great. Will try the light placement since I think I always look ghoulish on those calls 😂 Loved the Chirp idea!