Harmonizing Your Bottom?

plus, the best advice about a very annoying skin condition

Welcome readers, old and new!

Today, a rare, behind-the-scenes look at my email inbox. For your delectation, a headline from a press release I recently received:

Harmonizing the butt helps eliminate cellulite. Specialized company explains the technique.

First I thought, harmonizing with my butt? What might that involve? Because the press release didn’t offer an answer to the question, If my breasts are an A sharp and my waist is a middle C and my butt is a D flat, am I off key? I Googled. As you might suspect, “harmonizing” the body is simply another way of suggesting consonant aesthetic proportions… for those of us born without perfect pitch.

But(t), really.

Please tap the ❤️ above to ensure the butts of all heads of state achieve sustained harmony for our lifetimes and beyond.

💅 💅 💅

A moment about a manicure kit a PR friend gifted me last week. I hate sitting for manicures and tend to be all thumbs giving one to myself—but when I meticulously followed the easy directions on this kit, I wound up with a professional-looking job that’s lasted a week so far (and through many, many hand-washings). The kit’s like “manicures for dummies.” And all the products are non-toxic. ⭐

On FaceTime the other day with my five-year-old granddaughter, M, she held aloft a blue rubbery Totoro (a Teletubby-like creature from the animated movie My Neighbor Totoro) and dropped it, headfirst, onto the floor.

“Oh, no!” she cried in mock distress. “Totoro has fallen into a sand doom!” Then, “What’s he saying now, Grammie?”

“Ouch? And by the way, it’s sand dune, Baby.”

“That’s what I said,” said M. She drew her face close to the iPad so I had a maximum view of her mouth. “Saaannd doooommmm,” she said, enunciating precisely.

I decided for M it was a sand doom and let it go. And speaking of unpleasant situations, an understandably cranky reader has a question about a very annoying and unsightly skin issue.

The beauty Q&A in this post is available only to paid subscribers. For full access to all posts—and if you value ad-free work—please become a paid subscriber at the currently discounted rate of $40/year. If you can’t afford a subscription, email me at valeriemonroe.substack.com and I’ll comp you one, no questions asked. 🙏