Does Kindness Make You More Attractive?
whoever just groaned, “aw, c’mon,” I can hear you! (a repost)
If you tried the facial exercise I often suggest, you’re learning that being kinder to yourself has many benefits. When you consistently choose not to inspect your face for flaws, when you can look at your reflection without objectifying what you see, you’re happier with your face. Studies even show that people who are extremely focused on their physical appearance are more anxious about it. Makes sense, right? I’m happy to know this, as it’s aligned with my instinct to go to the Met when I feel particularly ungenerous about my neck to stare instead at this mystical depiction of Joan of Arc by naturalist painter Jules Bastien-Lepage. I just discovered another of his portraits, this one of actress Sarah Bernhardt, who obviously knew how to wear a neck piece. (Before I leave the house, I often tie one on like so.)
As the humanist psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman points out in a Scientific American “Beautiful Minds” column, there is a highly regarded finding in social psychology called the “beauty-is-good” stereotype. It suggests that physically attractive people are perceived and treated more positively than less attractive people. He then goes on to wonder, understandably, But isn’t good also beautiful? My kind of guy! And he answers, Yes.
When participants in one study were asked to rate 60 photographs of unfamiliar, generic faces with neutral expressions, there were no significant differences in the attractiveness ratings. But when positive or negative personality descriptions were attributed to the photos, those with the positive descriptions were rated more attractive (and those with negative descriptions received the lowest attractiveness ratings). Bottom line: Being kind to other people can make you more pleasing to behold.
When I spoke to Kaufman several years ago, I remember he mentioned another intriguing study: Onlookers rated photos of people who had done good deeds more attractive even when they didn’t know their backstory. Which made me speculate whether there are physiological cues—cues that manifest in our face—after an act (or a lifetime) of kindness. Might we register subtle changes in our appearance—like a more open expression or a loving presence—when we’re feeling elevated or compassionate?
Skeptics, even you’ve probably experienced a change of heart when, for example, a handsome lawyer you’ve just met says something objectionable. Suddenly you realize his haircut is a comb-over… and he has a patent on it! Or the friend who seemed unremarkable in the looks department before you got to know her has the loveliest face now that you’ve experienced her insights and generosity.
What does this mean for us as we clamber up the steep rocky track to Nowhere (as the late, great Jan Morris put it)? For one thing, if you’ve aged out of the pool of the reproductively viable, say, and your muscle tone isn’t what it used to be, you still have another important fitness factor working for you. It means if you’re considered a valuable social partner—kind, supportive, contributing to the greater good—you’re going to be perceived as better-looking.
I find this news heartening. To show you how it works with self-perception, I’m sharing a short essay I wrote for O, The Oprah Magazine after an enlightening experience:
I was having one of those days. Something mysterious—I don’t know what—had happened overnight to my hair; it suddenly looked like hell. Wrong shape, wrong color, all wrong. In supercritical mode, I wasn’t feeling very friendly toward my face, either. The eyes and chin—the same ones I had the day before—were now too small, the nose too big, the mouth, tense and meager. In a certain light (daylight), I appeared to be growing a mustache. And did I mention that I was on my way to an appointment where I would be mingling with about 20 other beauty editors, most of them ten or 15 years younger than I? It was a bitter morning.
Hugging my short, black jacket, looking down at the pavement as I walked, focusing on the litany of my shortcomings, I almost didn’t hear the question: “Excuse me? Number 2 Columbus Avenue, do you know where it is?” I looked up from the sidewalk to see a small woman, shivering, distraught, on the verge of tears. “You’re lost,” I said. She nodded. The address she’d mentioned was on my way. “Come with me,” I said, “I’ll take you there.”
She was smiling when I dropped her off only a few minutes later, obviously relieved, happy to be at her destination at last. I watched her go through the revolving glass door and was startled by the reflection of a woman in a short black jacket—me, actually—looking just exactly right.
How much does it cost to feel beautiful? When the currency is kindness, not very much at all.
A few random goodies to top up your kindness basket:
1. Treat yourself (or a friend) to a few bars of this tripled-milled shea butter soap; it’s under $15; it generates a luxuriously creamy lather; and it has a delicate, slightly melony scent.
2. Save your Bitcoin and switch to this type of inexpensive brush, which haircare experts tell me is the kindest to your head. (But you shouldn’t brush very often; it’s not good for your hair or your scalp.)
3. Finally, watch this sweet movie (by Taika Waititi, the director of Jojo Rabbit) about how kindness grows over time.
A Housekeeping Moment
Several readers have written me saying that they didn’t receive their post on Tuesday morning and had to find it in the Substack app. If this happens to you, please follow the (teeny) protocol below, provided by Substack support (I’ve done my part). If that doesn’t solve the problem, write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com. I will involve myself, even if it means delivering the post to you by unicycle, in a hurricane.
Val Asks You
Don’t be shy! What’s your most vexing or intractable appearance issue? Send your beauty-related questions to valeriemonroe@substack.com. If I don’t have a good answer, I’ll find someone who does.
Val, thank you. This morning I really needed this. I was looking in the mirror and all I could see was negative then I read this and went back in and smiled at my reflection. What a difference. Bless you!
I’ve always maintained that a person’s character determines whether I find them attractive—or not.