How Not to F*ck Up Your Face

How Not to F*ck Up Your Face

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How Not to F*ck Up Your Face
How Not to F*ck Up Your Face
Bosoms 'n Bunions

Bosoms 'n Bunions

one's lovely, the other's not

Valerie Monroe's avatar
Valerie Monroe
Jul 01, 2025
∙ Paid
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How Not to F*ck Up Your Face
How Not to F*ck Up Your Face
Bosoms 'n Bunions
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Welcome readers, old and new!

I’m doing a Substack LIVE today at 5 pm EST with Sarah Villafranco, MD, the founder of Osmia skincare. We’ll be talking about skin health, of course, and the role of oils in skincare, a subject I know almost nothing about and about which Sarah knows… a lot. Set your timer, and find us here. See you soon!

But for now, please hit the ❤️ above to learn about the benefits of bathing without water.

🍒 🍒 🍒

It had to happen.

Remember when I told you about a new category of “intimacy” products aimed to seduce us into more affectionate butt care? Our attention is now being directed to another anatomical area of beauty industry neglect: the bosom. Not the décolletage, which has long been a focus of potential improvement—but the mammaries.

I’ve always had a great love of bosoms—mine and everyone else’s. I don’t care what kind of shape they’re in, I find them miraculous. They’re fabulous to behold naked; they look great peeking discreetly through a dainty teddy (or peaking indiscreetly over a push-up bra); they’re even capable of sustaining new life! I mean, whoever thought these babies up: a master of innovation and creativity.

Naturally, I believe in taking excellent care of bosoms, including regular check-ups and protective harnessing, if necessary.

But as for boob polish ($8 for 2 oz. of something you will never need)—why does boob polish make me think of buffing a doorknob?—and boob serum ($110 for 1.7 oz.) and a lifting and firming breast mask ($49 for 3.38 fl oz.)? I don’t have to tell you it would take more—a lot more—than a mask to lift and firm my bosom. I wholeheartedly agree with the PR message that “knowing how to care for your breast area is vital.” Knowing how to care for your wallet area: also vital. Spending your hard-earned cash on special skincare for your bosom is not.

After the paywall, for those hoping to let their feet flag fly this summer in revealing sandals, a few productive words about dreaded bunions.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention a product—any kind of product! This means my recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

More of this post sits quivering with excitement behind a paywall. For full access to all posts and the extensive archives, please become a paid subscriber at the current rate of $40/year. Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp. 🙏

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