Go With the (Lymphy) Flow

plus, the vanity problem

Welcome readers, old and new!

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For some reason, a handful of readers recently sent me questions and then apologized for being vain. (You know who you are.) It reminded me of the flush of unpleasant emotions that can be precipitated by thoughts of one’s own vanity. Even the most well-adjusted among us can feel shame or embarrassment when confronted with how much we care about our looks. That’s because vanity is a slippery slope; it’s easy to lose our footing and slide into a cesspool of self-defeat. Here’s how I described that feeling years ago for O, The Oprah Magazine.

…the feelings of inadequacy, the striving for perfection, the competing, the comparing—with others or with younger versions of ourselves—is all a fool’s game. No one ever wins, not even the most conventionally beautiful. As Rita Freedman, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Bodylove, points out, if you think you’re not pretty, you spend your life regretting that, and if you think you are, you spend your life in fear of losing your looks. Then one day, you do lose them. (You want something to cry about? We’ll give you something to cry about!)

We’re not supposed to be excessively concerned with the way we look; it’s unseemly, prideful, immodest, vain. Vanity stems from competitiveness, says Freedman; it even suggests evil impulses (Mirror, mirror, on the wall...). But here’s the rub: As women our sense of self is inextricably bound up in our appearance, and so we tread a very fine line between concern and overconcern or obsession. Freedman reports that in a classic research study, psychotherapists were asked to rate the personality traits of a healthy woman, a healthy man, and a healthy person. “Preoccupation with appearance” (vanity) was rated normal for a healthy woman but abnormal for a healthy man and for healthy people. That leaves us stuck in a damned if we do, damned if we don’t dilemma, she points out: aware that we’re judged by our attractiveness but ashamed to admit how deeply we value looking good, because that would mean we’re...vain.

Bottom-line: If you find yourself defending your choices about how you confront (or don’t) your appearance issues—assuming you have any—give yourself a break.

Let’s make that today’s mantra: Give yourself a break. Then, as soon as possible, give someone else a break.

Now, sweep over the paywall for the truth about lymphatic drainage.

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