Please hit the ❤️ above for a clue as to why your anger might feel different these days.

👤 👤 👤

A few weeks ago I shared a conversation I had with my friend Pamela Redmond about her play, Old Woman Naked. A favorite dermatologist friend, Laurel Geraghty, MD, was motivated to share her response with me, which I think HNTFUYF-ers might find helpful.

I have been thinking a lot about Old Woman Naked. I’m someone who looks at old women naked for a living. (And people of all ages, for that matter; it’s what dermatologists do, as we search for spots that don’t belong and work with patients to treat their largest organ.) It’s occurred to me—when I hear comments from women all day, every day—many of us don’t have a sense of what the human body looks like through time. Women will say, “Look at my terrible legs!” They point to their veins, their age spots, their scars. Meanwhile, I’m thinking, Wow, you look healthy and amazing!

Many women aren’t given a point of reference for what the human body can and should look like as it ages. We see plenty of images of 20-somethings—but that may have nothing to do with what a healthy 30/40/50/60/70/80/90 year old looks like. Having seen the human body through generations, I’ve developed an appreciation for what is healthy, what looks good (normal findings), and what does not (tanned or sun-damaged skin, skin cancers, and untreated skin conditions). So many women don’t have an appreciation for just how much they’re rocking it! And they don’t believe me when I tell them they look great—not only through the lens of a dermatologist, but also through the lens of a fellow woman who believes we should lighten up on ourselves.

Here’s a question: Why do so many of us scrutinize ourselves against a standard based on 20 year olds?

And another: What do we need instead?

The answer: New frames of reference. Thank you Pamela Redmond and Old Woman Naked for providing one.

🏛️ 🏛️ 🏛️

The synchronicity! This week I received a PR email all about today’s reader question.

“Just when it seemed Ozempic and other GLP-1s had affected every area of the body, plastic surgeons are noticing another unexpected concern among patients: temporal hollowing. It occurs when volume loss in the temples creates visible depressions on the sides of the forehead, often contributing to an overall appearance of facial aging…”

Fire up your hot air balloon and sail over the paywall for an expert’s advice about the what, where, and whys of temporal filler.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please hit that ❤️ above to find out how Great American Individualism might be hurting our love lives.

🙏 🙏 🙏

Thank you to the wave of new readers who subscribed during HNTFUYF’s half-off sale (which ended on Sunday). I hope you’ll enjoy hanging with us and that you’ll send your most vexing appearance questions to valeriemonroe@substack.com.

🔶 🔶 🔶

Last week a curious reader emailed me with a question about peptides. She’s been seeing peptides in skincare promoted everywhere. What’s the deal?

“I’d love to know why peptides are the latest must-have in skin cream,” she wrote.

Me too, Dear Reader, me too!

She also sent a link to a story recently published online in Vogue that likely generated her interest: “How the Best Peptides Skin Care Can Deliver Botox-Like Results.”

Even as I type that (oddly worded) headline, my blood boils. Buried under a pile of product recommendations beats the story’s sad, schizophrenic heart. “Though peptides are often touted as a ‘miracle’ ingredient by the hyperbolic… their benefits are more gradual than immediate.”

Then, in tiny print: “All products featured on Vogue are independently selected by our editors. However, we may receive compensation from retailers and/or from purchases of products through these links.”

Beauty journalism, where forthrightness goes to die.

If you want to understand the actual effectiveness of peptides in skincare, hit the “Upgrade to Paid” button below to catapult yourself over the paywall.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap the ❤️ above if you, like me, believe your high school experience wasn’t the happiest time in your life.

🎁 🎁 🎁

Big news here: HNTFUYF recently celebrated a 5th birthday. I know times are tight and paid subscriptions are a luxury. So to make HNTFUYF subscriptions more affordable, I’m offering $25 annual subscriptions for five days only. The 50% sale is running now until May 31 at midnight EDT. After that, the subscription rate will jump back to the usual $50/year.

And to thank already paying subscribers, I’m trying to figure out a way you can benefit from this kind of sale, so please sit tight!

Unlike most beauty newsletters, I’m not trying to sell you anything, except improved self-esteem (and, dammit, this newsletter). In fact, loyal readers can tell you I’ve saved them money by warning them away from bogus claims and ineffective products and treatments.

According to one (very astute) reader, I’m even “a kick-ass writer.”

If you find this newsletter helpful or entertaining, and if you like a birthday bargain, please hit the UPGRADE button below. Thank you for your support. I couldn’t do this without you.

UPGRADE TO PAID

An old friend recently mentioned she was pleased with the red light mask she uses. This friend—like all my friends—is intelligent and maintains a healthy skepticism about most things. But when I told her the science behind red light therapy for skin rejuvenation is poor, it was obvious I wasn’t going to change her mind. Still, for her, and for those readers considering investing in an at-home red light device, here’s a recent evaluation you might want to read first. (One “promising” study involved a total of six patients.)

As for why we might be vulnerable to products and treatments whose benefits are unproven, Jen Gunter, MD, shared a few thoughts on her Substack, The Vagenda:

Social media algorithms amplify content by prioritizing emotionally salient, sensational health claims over facts. Studies consistently show that posts with misinformation often get more engagement than accurate information. And then confirmation bias and expectation effects take over. Did you know that observing someone else report relief from a treatment can trigger a placebo response in you that is just as strong as if you had personally experienced that relief, and this effect is linked to empathy? This means people who try H1 and H2 blockers for brain fog expecting improvement because of what they have seen online are primed to perceive that improvement. And so the cycle self-reinforces; each new testimonial becomes “evidence” for the next person.

👩🏽‍🦳 👩🏽‍🦳 👩🏽‍🦳

Does your hair seem to grow faster or thicker in the summer? Or is that heavily-marketed hair growth serum you started using finally having an effect? Hurl yourself over the paywall to find out.

I’ll say it again: HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap the ❤️ above for encouragement to step out of your comfort zone (if, in fact, you still have a comfort zone).

And about a discomfort zone: You might want to check out my recent story in Allure about the skeletal profiles we’ve been seeing recently on the red carpet.

🛬 🛬 🛬

Trying to acclimate my spinning brain …

Read more

Please tap the ❤️ above to read the most intriguing headline of the week. Maybe hold off on that facelift!

Speaking of aging and time travel (weren’t we?), have a look at this short post I wrote about Old Bad Bunny’s Met Gala costume.

🖼️ 🖼️ 🖼️

I returned last week from a trip to Naoshima, a lush, hilly island in the Seto Inland Sea that’s been abundantly fertilized with art, immersive and otherwise. The trip offered many “firsts” for me: my first excursion alone on the Shinkansen (bullet train) to a place I’ve never been; my first taste of a fish I couldn’t identify; and a few first art experiences designed, evidently, to fertilize me with discomfort. Or to provoke me into widening my spiritual lens.

For example, viewers at a James Turrell exhibit were told to walk into a completely blacked-out room, finding our way only by running our hand along a wall, and then sit silently while a square of colored light slowly emerged before us, dawn-like, and then slightly retreated.

After around 10 minutes, a disembodied voice announced: “The floor is even; there are no obstacles,” and we were advised to walk toward the dim light—intended, evidently, to make us feel like we were stepping into nothingness. For someone who’s become accustomed to banisters, this was less delightful than you might imagine.

My friends and I emerged, blinking in the white island light and asking, “What was that?”

There are so many things to think about besides your face.

Even so, a reader’s managed to think herself into a cloud of confusion about moisturizers. Should she use creams? Seed oils? Fats? Beef tallow? Propel yourself over the paywall to read one expert’s clear analysis.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap that ❤️ above for news suggesting “scarred for life” may one day be a thing of the past.

The friends I traveled with last week deposited photos they’d taken into a shared album, so we could collectively access memories of our trip. Handy! One of the photos showed a woman with a sagging neck and a noteworthy pot belly. I’m bringing it up here because that woman was me.

I immediately got this feeling that I’m slouching around in a body I have no awareness of. Like it was just some random old body that I, Val, a person I think of with a much more flattering profile, had got inadvertently attached to.

Why am I telling you this? Because it’s disturbing. Because being haunted by a bad photo or a glimpse of an unflattering moment is universal. Because even a person who’s overwhelmed with gratitude, joy, and wonder can feel bad about her neck when she sees it from the side.

Sometimes it seems like our body is taking us with it, rather than being one of the vehicles through which we experience the world. Then it’s time to say: “I am not my neck.”

👨🏽 👨🏽 👨🏽

I stumbled across a podcast the other night that blew my socks off (if I wore socks). It’s about a Black American icon you’ve probably heard almost nothing about. The delicious—if slightly bitter—context is magnificently presented in an auditory spread you shouldn’t miss.

Another recommendation: Virginia Heffernan’s Substack (“Politics for English majors”) always makes me feel like I’m sitting in on a fascinating class; she gives “thinking” a good name.

😖 😖 😖

What’s the difference between a filler and a biostimulator? One confused reader wants to know. Tunnel under the paywall for clarity.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap that ❤️ above to maintain a healthy bottom-line about your butt.

🏝️ 🏝️ 🏝️

As you read this, I’ll be traveling with two dear friends, one younger than I and the other a bit older. We’re taking the bullet train to the Japanese “art island” of Naoshima to explore its widely admired architecture, sculptures, and geography before making our way to a neighboring small island, best traversed by bike, and then heading our separate ways.

Wandering around a shrine in Tokyo a week before this trip, I mentioned to the older friend—as we carefully maneuvered uneven stone steps—that one concession of older age is that I always use a banister now when walking down stairs. I expected him—an expert skier, still—to laugh, maybe even dismissively. “Me, too,” he said, “I’ve even installed shower guards at home.” He made me feel wise rather than frail.

👣 👣 👣

I wrote recently about the unexpected pleasures at this age—which feels to me like being an adolescent again, but with a riper kind of angst. Appreciating the present and anticipating what’s to come yields a difficult commixture of joy and sorrow. Yet what a gift it is. Jan Morris, one of my favorite writers, captured similar feelings of magic and loss in an essay from The American Scholar.

I simply believe that everything one does in life can be measured against a scale of kindness. None of us can ever achieve full marks on the scale, and kindness itself must sometimes be weighed in the balance—is it ever kind to be cruel?—yet it seems to me that if there is any ultimate judge out there beyond the Milky Way, we can hardly be faulted if we have done our kindly best.

So soldier on, dear comrades in kindness, keep smiling,
Fervently love your loves, play your later years with a straight bat,
Forget Phlebas and greet old age not as a breaking-up, but as an
Overture to a new program, waiting there under the stairs with
The rest of the junk.

Like older age, The New York Times is full of surprises both pleasant and unpleasant these days; one of the more pleasant ones was this recent appreciation of aging women. Which reminded me of another lovely appreciation, published a few years ago. (Both essays are gift linked.)

👶 👶 👶

Are you into plumping up your complexion? A curious reader wants to know her options. Hoist your way over the paywall to find an expert’s recommendations.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap that ❤️ above to keep your brain gears well-oiled.

🇯🇵 🇯🇵 🇯🇵

Not long ago here in Tokyo, I boarded a train without having any idea where I was going.

One of Tokyo’s many marvels is that an older woman like me, not fluent in the language and unaccustomed to the more discreet nuances of the culture, can feel comfortable and safe just about anywhere in the city. I’ve gotten lost at night while wandering an unfamiliar neighborhood, my GPS inexplicably not working, and felt none of the vivid panic I might feel in Paris, or London, or even home in New York City. There’s a kind of magic in getting off a train in an unfamiliar place and deciding with only a hunch to go one way or the other.

Recently, I chose a direction that looked least promising just for the hell of it. After exiting the Metro and walking for several bland blocks, I found myself in a place I’d once been but had forgotten about.

Rich with French expats and some of the cultural tokens they might yearn for (like Edith Piaf occasionally piped into the main shopping street), the Kagurazaka neighborhood in Shinjuku is a subtle nod to the Francophile. I bought a pastry, visited a small temple, meandered a bit. And—this is important—reading every descriptive plaque (often using the Google translate app), I found my way back home.

If you’d asked me when I was younger what I’d be doing at 75, I’d never have thought it’d be like this. My friends’ lives are similarly striking: writing and producing a first play; retiring from the Senate to an abundance of possibilities; researching a ninth book; hopping around the globe on a budget.

Also, worrying about the world and the health of our fragile republic.

We never thought it’d be like this.

😔 😔 😔

Of course, the world is also like this.

Speaking of blooms, a reader is seeing more broken capillaries on her face since menopause. Plant yourself on the far side of the paywall to learn why it’s happening and how to minimize the redness.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap the ❤️ above for motivation to slip out of your shoes and walk barefoot on the grass.

👃 👃 👃

From the department of “The More Things Change,” a recent PR email explored the weird world of bedtime nose-taping.

“Once reserved for post-rhinoplasty recovery, nose taping is now being embraced by beauty enthusiasts as a low-effort, non-invasive way to de-puff, sculpt, and refine the look of the nose—especially overnight. By removing the guesswork (and scissors), [this pre-cut nose tape] makes the trend more accessible (and cuter!) to everyday users—whether they’re recovering from a procedure or simply looking to wake up with a more snatched, sculpted look.”

When I was around 10, one of my favorite books was about a tomboy who, dealing with various self-image issues, wore a clothespin on her nose every night to try to change its shape. I remember feeling pity for her even as I wondered if a similar routine might improve my profile. Reading this PR email today has me wondering what a “puffed” or “snatched” nose might even be, as I can only imagine it’s something one might discover during a troublesome acid trip.

💐 💐 💐

On a recent meandering around Tokyo, I found myself at the Nezu Shrine, famous for its azalea gardens. They weren’t yet in full bloom, but the lush bushes promised a vibrant explosion in the coming weeks, which I hope to share. In the meantime…

Throw yourself over the paywall for an expert’s assessment of a facial estrogen serum.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap the ❤️ above for an interesting take on why some of us are Disney snobs— especially interesting to me because I was a proud snob until I visited Tokyo Disneyland, where total immersion by people of all ages is definitely a thing.

Speaking of immersion…

Bananas! 🍌 🍌 🍌

I often reprimand myself for not taking my regularly scheduled immersion into Japanese culture more seriously—enrolling in history classes, for example. But I’m constantly delighted by the daily education bestowed upon me in pedestrian ways.

Grocery shopping? In New York, it’s a bore. In Tokyo, it’s a trip to a food museum rich with unexpected discoveries. Once, in the supermarket, what I thought was a bag of angel hair pasta revealed itself at check-out to be dried fish. Obviously (I subsequently realized) why the pasta was staring back at me with pinpoint eyes.

The cute, petite bananas I bought yesterday are imported from Cambodia, where they’re admired for their “chewy texture and refreshing sweetness.” (I find I prefer American-style jumbo Dole bananas for their less chewy texture and cloying sweetness.)

I’m so grateful for the gift my son has inadvertently offered me: a life among a fascinating gallery of artifacts of all kinds, from the food to the geography to the lovely people of Japan. 🇯🇵

⚠️ ⚠️ ⚠️

I recently read about several new developments concerning red light therapy and collagen supplements.

A story about the efficacy of red light therapy in Scientific American confirms what physicians I’ve interviewed have said. From the story:

The wellness industry has rushed ahead with little regulation, and scientists fear that this trend has clouded legitimate science. Consumers can now buy red-light wands, masks, helmets, panels, full-body mats, and even units that resemble tanning beds. The devices often come with bold promises that rest on weak data… Scientists who have begun testing commercial products find that, although some are beneficial, they often fall short of their claims. Many fail to deliver a therapeutic dose. More independent testing—and clearer standards—are needed.

And regarding collagen supplements, a review of efficacy-related evidence suggests that supplementation might be helpful to skin, musculoskeletal and oral health, and osteoarthritis conditions. But before you invest, you might think about this, from the Medical Xpress newsletter:

The research base still has significant gaps. Without more rigorous, standardized studies, it remains genuinely difficult to say what is driving those benefits, or who is most likely to see them. Studies need to clearly specify the type of collagen used, the dose, how it was delivered, and the characteristics of the people taking it.

😕 😕 😕

Is that complexion stain you’ve noticed melasma? You’ll need to know if you want to diminish it. Scurry over the paywall for clarifying advice about a reader’s dark spot dilemma.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Read more

This past weekend, I found my inbox brimming with fresh followers. I tracked down the source to a sparkling recommendation from Katie Couric’s Substack: “[Val] has a clear-eyed perspective on what our culture’s obsession with aesthetics really means and which treatments are actually beneficial (and which are, uh, definitely not). If you’re curious about the truth behind all the [beauty] marketing, I can’t recommend [HNTFUYF] enough.”

Thank you, Katie!

And thank you readers, new and old!

Please hit that ❤️ above to discover why fish are just like us.

🤐 🤐 🤐

One of my favorite things about living part-time in Tokyo is that I’m motivated to try to communicate in Japanese. Because I know only a handful of Japanese words, the results are often misleading, to say the least. (Loyal readers will recall I once startled a waitress by placing a sushi order with something like, “I’ll have this, asshole.” 😳 )

I’ve tried a few language apps, Duolingo among them, but never felt completely comfortable. And I find it fun to figure out ways to remember words that sound nonsensical. For example, one of the first words I mastered—likely because I had to use it constantly—was sumimasen (excuse me). Here’s how I broke it down: sue me, my son—easy to remember because my son is a lawyer.

Another one, useful in a taxi, has been koko tomete kudasai (please stop here). My strategy is less specific than sumimasen but still works: Cocoa and a tomato please.

I’m sure there’s a more direct route to learning the language—lessons maybe?—but my method seems to be working (albeit in a half-assed way).

💊 💊 💊

In response to last week’s post in which I mentioned niacinamide/nicotinamide supplements for DNA repair after sun exposure, a wise reader wrote this to me directly, which I’m sharing here because she brings up a worthwhile point:

I’m 61. Fair-skinned and with a fair amount of solar keratoses. My dermatologist, whom I love, suggested I take 1000 mg of niacinamide daily to prevent them from developing into cancer. She showed me the research studies. She did say, almost as a throwaway, “If you can tolerate it.”

When I took two 500 mg pills at the same time, I became dizzy. So I separated them into twice a day, taken with meals. Seemed good. It even seemed to have a positive impact on my skin (and perhaps my cholesterol level).

Then I got “ice pick headaches.” It’s exactly what it sounds like: an ice pick stabbing at the back of your eye. After seeing a retina specialist and a neurologist, and getting three MRIs and one CT scan, I discovered the headaches were caused by the niacinamide. No doctors saw the link. It took me stopping the supplement to stop the symptoms.

So I would warn your readers to watch for possible side effects.

Readers ask about all kinds of supplementation to benefit the skin, and I usually encourage them to read Jen Gunter, MD’s, thorough reporting in her Substack, The Vagenda. A recent story in The Wall Street Journal suggests supplement spending is profligate, supporting a $209+ billion global industry in 2025. Evidently, hope in a jar takes many forms.

🤞🏻 🤞🏻 🤞🏻

Speaking of hope in a jar, cross your fingers and proceed through the paywall to get the lowdown on “gleansers.”

When you’re all read up on that, you can trot over to Allure to read my thoughts on the to-dye or not-to-dye gray hair question.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please hit the ❤️ above for the latest Japanese tweak that might shrink your makeup time down to almost nothing.

To tie a (loose) knot on our lively thread a couple of weeks ago about my decision to have filler injections, I thought the Dear Reader who precipitated the thread should have the last word. Several commenters mentioned her youth, suggesting that her feelings about aesthetic intervention would surely marinate with age.

“In some ways I’d think it harder to see oneself aging at 43—when one is still a stone’s throw away from actual youth—than at 60 or 70,” she wrote. “While my principles won’t change, my feelings might, and my face certainly will.”

Having had that experience, as I’m sure many of you have, I’m here to say, “Yes, and what an interesting transformation it will be!”

🇯🇵 🇯🇵 🇯🇵

I’m writing this post on my first day in Tokyo, having arrived at 4:15 am this morning and intentionally staying awake till a reasonable bedtime. That’s not hard to do when I’m walking around outdoors, running errands, and setting up my little apartment.

On one errand this morning I passed a woman who, with a pair of kitchen tongs, was removing the more unsightly gravel pieces—too large or too dark, I couldn’t tell—from one side of her narrow driveway. I stopped to watch her (from a polite distance), because I couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing. Then I remembered a city worker I saw several years ago cleaning between the cobblestones in the road, as if he were flossing the bricks. What a world it’d be if everyone—poor, rich, ambitious, lazy, and politicians of every stripe—spent their time attending to this kind of detail.

Grab your tongs and street floss and pick your way around the paywall to discover which mystery molecule has shown measurable improvements in a few of the most common complexion bugaboos.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please hit the ❤️ above if you’ve been tuning out so often you find yourself missing things.

✈️ ✈️ ✈️

While you read this, I’ll be flying over Alaska (where I can sometimes glimpse a sea of snow-capped mountains) to my palm-size apartment in Tokyo.

Transitions aren’t my favorite thing, even when there’s a thrilling reward (my family) on the other side of them. But I’ve got the back-and-forth between New York and Tokyo down to a manageable system.

I only bring a carry-on for the couple of months I’m there (I keep a few basic necessities in Tokyo). And because my dear friend L recently told me about the frustration she feels packing everything she needs for even short trips, I thought you might like a peek inside my cosmetics bag.

I never carry shampoo or conditioner, because wherever I go, I have my hair washed and blown out once a week—and I buy a large drugstore body lotion when I get to where I’m going. Here’s a photo (below) of my bag and what’s in it. (I keep a separate pouch for the cleanser, nighttime moisturizer, sunscreens (this one and this one), and prescription retinoid I use.)

🪞 🪞 🪞

A lovely reader mentioned HNTFUYF in an interview last week, which precipitated a stream of new readers. Thank you, Lizzie!

She refers to mirror meditation, suggesting that while you look into the glass, you repeat to yourself things you love about your face. If this is how it works for Lizzie, I say huzzah and more of it.

But if you have a hard time finding anything you like about your face (it happens), try looking into your own eyes till your feelings begin to emerge. Stay with them while you gaze at yourself. When you stay present, you can have the same emotional response you’d have when looking into a friend’s eyes as she confesses her most intimate feelings.

If you’re the kind of friend I think you are, you’ll be practicing something called deep listening. It’s one of the kindest things you can do for another person—only now you’ll be doing it for yourself.

Tara Well, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Barnard College in New York City, studies mirror meditation. She’s found that 10 minutes a day can increase self-compassion, self-awareness, and, not incidentally, satisfaction with appearance.

Translation: You, too, can learn to love your face.

🧴 🧴 🧴

A few readers have asked about ingredients they’re seeing on social media and whether they’re as effective as they’re purported to be. If you’re looking for the next magic molecule, tunnel under the paywall for advice about the what/when/and how of adenosine.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap that ❤️ above for an enlightening take on the value of forgiveness.

📰 📰 📰

As I write this post, I am, as I imagine many of you are, distracted by distressing headlines. (One distressing headline from New Scientist I won’t investigate further: “How Worried Should You Be About an Asteroid Smashing Into Earth?”)

A post about appearance feels not only irrelevant, but maybe provocatively off.

I even considered posting just this today: How Not to F*ck! Up Your Face.

Instead, thinking about how conflict (or, as it’s more trendily called, “friction”) is the overriding meme of this moment, I’m offering HNTFUYF-ers a BTS look at an email exchange I had last week with a reader. She was disappointed in my choice to have filler injected into my lips.

I’m sharing our correspondence (with her permission) for three reasons.

1. I think this reader’s beautifully articulated thoughts help clarify the conflict many of us feel regarding aesthetic procedures.

2. Her email can encourage conversations about how each of us personally feels about our aesthetic choices and how they might reflect our values.

3. Our dialogue demonstrates how two people with conflicting views can exchange, appreciate, and respect them.

Conflict can be a bridge; cross it with an open mind and you might enlarge your view.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap that ❤️ above for an uplifting story about a feisty old woman who lives in a shoe happily with a robot.

I’m returning to Japan in a couple of weeks, so I’m trying to brush up on what little vocabulary I know, most of which seems lost in the nearly empty foreign language vault of my brain. I discovered, though, that the words for “handsome lawyer” (kakkoii bengoshi) have permanently taken root, as they effectively describe my son. (Though there are many more effective—and flattering—words I could use if only I remembered them.)

Encouraging is the notion that learning a new language continues to be possible (and beneficial) in older learners.

📖 📖 📖

Thinking about how stories can elucidate and bond us, I wondered if it’d be refreshing to think about our appearance in a unique way.

I’m interested in the idea because of my recent experience with lip filler, and the conflicting feelings I had choosing to go ahead with the procedure. Borrowing from the six-word memoirs project, I wonder if we wrote six words about our face how that might shape or clarify our feelings? Please add your stories to the comments, which I’ll collate and post in a few weeks.

Here’s mine:

Striving

glum

joy

inconsistent letting go

Thanks for your patience to those HNTFUYF-ers either bored or even repelled by the idea of a six-word memoir about your appearance (looking at you, L, R, N, and Z). But most of you still find great pleasure in reading about makeup and shopping for it.

So if you wing your way over the paywall, you’ll find a few terrific makeup ideas for women lucky enough to be living in mature skin.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap the ❤️ above to familiarize yourself with what a trends company is calling the “Synthocene Era” and how a few sharp women in the beauty industry believe it will influence how we think about our appearance. Warning: It mostly ain’t good.

More that ain’t good, if you love wearing extensions.

👄 👄 👄

I wrote a story for Allure several months ago about rethinking my personal choice to eschew plastic surgery. Why? Because of my current discontent with the appearance of my mouth. Here’s an excerpt:

The problem is with a particular manifestation of aging, which I’ve described this way: The corners of our mouths droop, making us look impatient or fretful when we’re not—intensifying resting bitch face (RBF) if we’re already prone to it. That situation is exacerbated by an unfortunate combination of gravity, bone loss, and reduced soft tissue volume. Because of this inevitable loss of structural support, the area around my mouth seems to have set itself into something that looks exactly like disdain. Disdain! The emotion I am least likely to succumb to, ever! Interestingly, it’s not even the look on my face that disturbs me; it’s the consequences of the look. Because unless I’m smiling, someone who catches me glancing at them would most likely believe not only that I think they’re hardly worthy of my attention, but that I am suffused with contempt.

So not me. So very much not me.

Allure titled the story “At 75, I’m Rethinking My No Plastic Surgery Stance,” as I’d decided to visit a plastic surgeon for the first time to learn what my options were. Fortunately, I wound up in the office of plastic surgeon Melissa Doft. With great patience, she filled me in (in more ways than one, eventually) on the possibilities regarding my perioral area, including those pesky vertical lines above my lip.

Flip your way over the paywall for excellent advice about lip fiddling.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap that ❤️ above to reserve a flying Toyota next time you visit Japan.

🪞🪞🪞

For some reason, a handful of readers recently sent me questions and then apologized for being vain. (You know who you are.) It reminded me of the flush of unpleasant emotions that can be precipitated by thoughts of one’s own vanity. Even the most well-adjusted among us can feel shame or embarrassment when confronted with how much we care about our looks. That’s because vanity is a slippery slope; it’s easy to lose our footing and slide into a cesspool of self-defeat. Here’s how I described that feeling years ago for O, The Oprah Magazine.

…the feelings of inadequacy, the striving for perfection, the competing, the comparing—with others or with younger versions of ourselves—is all a fool’s game. No one ever wins, not even the most conventionally beautiful. As Rita Freedman, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Bodylove, points out, if you think you’re not pretty, you spend your life regretting that, and if you think you are, you spend your life in fear of losing your looks. Then one day, you do lose them. (You want something to cry about? We’ll give you something to cry about!)

We’re not supposed to be excessively concerned with the way we look; it’s unseemly, prideful, immodest, vain. Vanity stems from competitiveness, says Freedman; it even suggests evil impulses (Mirror, mirror, on the wall...). But here’s the rub: As women our sense of self is inextricably bound up in our appearance, and so we tread a very fine line between concern and overconcern or obsession. Freedman reports that in a classic research study, psychotherapists were asked to rate the personality traits of a healthy woman, a healthy man, and a healthy person. “Preoccupation with appearance” (vanity) was rated normal for a healthy woman but abnormal for a healthy man and for healthy people. That leaves us stuck in a damned if we do, damned if we don’t dilemma, she points out: aware that we’re judged by our attractiveness but ashamed to admit how deeply we value looking good, because that would mean we’re...vain.

Bottom-line: If you find yourself defending your choices about how you confront (or don’t) your appearance issues—assuming you have any—give yourself a break.

Let’s make that today’s mantra: Give yourself a break. Then, as soon as possible, give someone else a break.

Now, sweep over the paywall for the truth about lymphatic drainage.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more

Please tap the ❤️ above to discover a new use for those dried placenta strips you have lying around.

🤑 🤑 🤑

Hyaluronic acid (HA) is a naturally-occurring molecule in the skin and joints with a high capacity to retain moisture; it’s often used in topical moisturizers.

So when I received an email the other day touting a new study that revealed oral hyaluronic acid supplementation could increase skin moisturization, reduce wrinkles, etc., I was intrigued.

Then I read the study’s conclusions:

The findings of this analysis align with existing literature, underscoring the potential of oral HA supplementation as a valuable component in anti-aging and skincare regimens. However, the study’s limited sample size and heterogeneity among included studies call for larger, more robust trials to confirm these findings and further explore the effects of oral HA on skin health.

If you’re now guessing that the folks assertively recommending HA oral supplementation are also the folks selling an HA oral supplement, bingo! Which is why I continue to assertively recommend you don’t swallow these kinds of recommendations whole.

Speaking of swallowing stuff whole, I recently discovered something called ColonBroom in a list of popular beauty brands that appears to be a weight-loss supplement. Congratulations to their marketing team for coming up with the best name ever for a product that claims to whisk away excess poundage. But is it just me who thinks brooms + colons suggests one too many unpleasant associations?

🐵 🐵 🐵

Finally, bonobos, they’re just like us! Imagine that! Here’s why you might want to invite a monkey to your favorite kid’s next tea party.

Now, swing your way over the paywall for invaluable advice about the secrets to excellent eyebrows.

HNTFUYF is a payola-free, reader-supported zone. I get no cut from sales when I mention any kind of product. My recommendations are offered without obligation, making HNTFUYF one of the very few places where you can get unadulterated advice, beauty and otherwise.

Can’t afford a subscription? Write to me at valeriemonroe@substack.com and I’ll give you a comp.

UPGRADE TO PAID

Read more